


Wait For Him

by Malectho, sabswrites



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 04:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11570004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malectho/pseuds/Malectho, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabswrites/pseuds/sabswrites
Summary: "John knew that Alexander needed this. He had a desire to be eminent, so open and unapologetic to the world. It was something he could never give him, he knew that. He never tried to hoax himself into thinking otherwise, he tried only to delay their unavoidable future. But did that really make him any less of a fool?"orJohn has bittersweet thoughts following Alexander and Eliza's wedding.





	Wait For Him

He could still hear people singing and laughing behind him. They were all so happy. John wanted them to be happy. He was happy too, in a way. He loved Alex. He loved Eliza. What he didn’t love was them together. He didn’t know why he felt this way, or he did but he couldn't understand it, or he could understand it but he wasn’t allowed to. In any case it didn’t matter because it was done and it was over and it was inevitable.

As he stepped farther down the path he realized he was breathing funny. It hitched and caught in his throat and he felt a sharp pain at the tip of his nose, a flush in his cheeks. Was he crying? He paused to catch his breath and clutched his heaving chest. Alexander was his best friend, and sometimes maybe even more than that. It was strange, how he longed to be so close to another man. The way he savored every touch and cherished every letter. 

_alexander he writes me a letter every day_  
i'm keeping his bed warm while his wife is away  
she stays in new york  
does her best to keep the homestead in line  
but she can keep all of new york  
alexander he's mine 

He’d marched miles on the warfront until his feet bleed and bruised, yet dancing still made them ache. His head was swarming and he could hardly think. He needed to sit, he needed to stop. While he was at the wedding he had thought a walk would help him clear his head, but now he just needed a drink. He wanted to feel numb. 

_love doesn't discriminate_  
i’m not a sinner  
nor a saint,  
it takes and it takes and it takes  
but i still love him anyway

He walked inside and sat in the back corner, far away from the shouts and cheers emanating through the rest of the tavern. He thought about Alexander, and how he had first met him here. It was only a few years ago yet they seemed to have aged so much since then. Endless days and sleepless nights at war had shaped their spirits, made them harder somehow. That first night his joy had been bottomless, his fervor unalterable. Although maybe it was just John, Alexander’s passion hadn’t ceased. Not for his country, and clearly not for his lover.

_we laugh and we cry and we break_  
and we’ve made some mistakes  
but if there's a reason I'm by his side  
when so many have tried  
then i'm willing to-

For the first time in months he thought about home, or more accurately, where he was raised. South Carolina had never felt like anything other than a place to escape from. Leaving had been the goal most of his life was structured around, and when he finally had managed to, the freedom was intoxicating. However freedom also came with loss, and he felt more lost now than ever. How could everything he fought for be so foreign as to what he was raised to believe? How could everything he felt be so foreign as to what he was raised to feel? 

_my father he’s a fire and brimstone preacher_  
but there are things that the homilies and hymns will teach ya  
my mother understood me  
but father commanded respect  
when i left they gave no instructions  
just an image to protect

Divinity had always been a funny thing in his life as well. The never faltering pretense of a God. In his mind, he exacerbated these claims all too often. For how could a God condone such atrocities? The economization of human souls, the endless bloodshed of battle. There were other things as well, perhaps those unagreeable with his heart. Things he could be hung for.

_faith often discriminates_  
am i a sinner or saint?  
it takes and it takes and it takes  
we keep believing anyway  
we rise and we fall  
and we break  
and we make our mistakes  
and if there's a reason i'm still alive  
even though it’s something i must hide  
i'm willing to-

He had always known it would come to an end, he had no preconceived notions about what they were or where they were going. It had just ended so suddenly. He yearned to hold him one last time. It was impossible for him to describe what he felt when he was with Alexander. Ironically Alexander would know exactly what to say. There had never been a time when he was at a loss for words, save for the times his own lips would cease them.

_by now i have learned this is something i must control_  
these feelings are despicable  
hell sounds indescribable  
but what can i say now that i’m too late?  
feel stuck here standing still  
how can i just wait?

John almost didn’t go to the wedding. The idea of sitting there, smiling, pretending to enjoy their union made his stomach churn. There was only one thing that had ever made him truly happy, and he’d lost him. He was so tired of pretending. It was all consuming, slowly suffocating him. But Alexander had begged him to come. Sent him letter after letter, and how could he refuse the words which he loved so dearly. If nothing else, perhaps this would give him some form of closure.

_to love hamilton is an endless uphill climb_  
it’s not something i can prove  
when i’ve got all to lose  
hamilton's heart is relentless  
it wastes no time  
what is it like in her shoes?

John knew that Alexander needed this. He had a desire to be eminent, so open and unapologetic to the world. It was something he could never give him, he knew that. He never tried to hoax himself into thinking otherwise, he tried only to delay their unavoidable future. But did that really make him any less of a fool? 

_eliza doesn't hesitate_  
and he exhibits no restraint  
he takes and he takes and he takes  
and she wins his heart anyway  
she changes the game  
and she plays and she raises the stakes  
but if there's a reason  
i’m still alive when everyone who loves him has died  
then goddamnit-

Eliza was undeniably lovely. Her kindness irradiated and swirled around everyone who came near her in pools and bursts of yellow light and laughter. If there was anyone he’d want for Alexander it would be her. She balanced him out, she gave him the stability he had never had, and never would have with John. He had seen her the night she met him, heard her voice bubbly and free. Alexander’s letters became increasingly filled with news of his beloved Betsey. He could only imagine the contents of the ones he had written for her own eyes. Of wives and of women she was truly the best. 

_love doesn't discriminate_  
i’m not a sinner or a saint  
my heart breaks and it breaks and it breaks  
i keep on living anyway,  
i rise and i fall and i shake  
and i’ve made some mistakes  
but if there's a reason  
i'm still alive  
then i’ll be over here waiting to thrive  
and i'm willing to- 

“Laurens! Where the hell have you been?” Hercules’ voice rang through the room, echoing off the walls of the now emptied out tavern. The huge man lumbered towards him, his usual dopey grin plastered across his face. Lafayette followed, laughing, drunkenly relying on Hercules to carry his dead weight. 

“Mon ami!” Lafayette greeted John. “We have been looking everywhere for you.”

“Sorry, I thought I could slip out without anybody noticing,” John explained, struggling to add humor to his voice. 

“Of course we noticed,” A familiar and admittedly soothing voice behind him said. His two friends parted to reveal Alexander. His dear Hamilton. He was dapper in his wedding attire, but more importantly when he looked into his eyes he saw happiness. For now, that’s all that mattered. 

_love doesn't discriminate_  
i’m not a sinner or a saint  
my heart breaks and it breaks and it breaks  
i keep on living anyway,  
i rise and i fall and i shake  
and i’ve made some mistakes  
but if there's a reason  
i'm still alive  
then i’ll be over here waiting to thrive  
and i'm willing to-

Alexander stepped towards him, smile radiant, eyes illuminate. He placed his hand on John’s shoulder and for a moment, it hurt more than anything he had ever endured. Just for a moment though, because the pain passed and he found himself smiling as well. In another life maybe, he thought. If divinity really was existent, and if his love for him was true, perhaps in another life they’d meet again. 

_wait for him_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Cassie and I have had this idea for so long and are very excited to finally share it. Check out the rest of our lams fics and come say hi to either of us at spaceclub.tumblr.com and swansdashingrapscallion.tumblr.com!
> 
> \- sheawrites


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